So you have to stand up and admit what you did, take responsibility for your own actions, apologize, and ask for forgiveness if you need to. When you hurt someone's feelings you have to find a way to try to make things right again. They may even want to punish you by spreading rumors about you or by criticizing you to your face. They may not want to sit next to you at the Bolshoi Ballet. You may catch your frenemies looking at you funny when you're in a receiving line or inspecting the troops. And if people think they can't trust you, they're not going to want to hang out with you. The hallmark of a good friendship is trust. We just want for things to go back to normal. We can just feel people judging us and even if they don't criticize us to our face, we know what they're thinking. People are criticizing us and now I feel like that's all anybody is talking about whenever they see us. Well, what can I say - everybody's mad at us. I admit that some of the things we said weren't very nice, but - hello - it was supposed to be private! Like, if I was talking about someone to his face I wouldn't ever tell him that he and his friend reminded me of Batman and Robin, even if it happened to be true.Īnd I probably wouldn't say out loud that one of our friends was, like, boring - even though she is so boring that sometimes when I'm with her I feel like I could basically pass out from her sheer torpitude. Then someone got a hold of our notes and passed them around and now everyone knows the stuff that we thought would be secret. We wrote some things about some of our friends that were supposed to be confidential. That’s exactly what has been bothering me so much.Amy Dickinson writes the syndicated advice column Ask Amy. If Susan is so locked into her habit – or so dense – that she responds to this statement by offering advice, you could interrupt her: “Oops, there – you’re doing it. I’ve been looking for friendship, not advice. Say, “I’ve stopped being in touch so often because I find your advice oppressive. If you want to continue with this friendship, you should give Susan the benefit of knowing the intensity of your reaction to her unsolicited advice. Yes, you’ve tried to head her off at the pass, but that hasn’t worked and so now you are absorbing all of this explosive rage, rather than risk telling this very old friend how her behavior affects you. However, you don’t mention ever discussing this with “Susan.” Your passivity has contributed to the problem. Your internal reaction to all of this unsolicited advice is understandable. And if this advice is unsolicited, they are assuming that you need it, perhaps because your own judgment is flawed. – Wanting to Turn Off the Advice “Faucet”ĭear Wanting: Hearing advice feels worse than someone merely expressing an opinion different from your own, because when someone offers advice, they are actually telling you what to do. I’ve been so distressed that I haven’t finished writing my will – even with my attorney’s assistance. I became so exasperated that I felt like exploding inside. Why? Because she advised me about an aspect of writing my will which was completely inaccurate. I haven’t talked to her in over nine months. When I pointed this out, she brushed it off. She has also given me legal advice (she is not an attorney, but her husband is) that was downright inaccurate. When I did finally tell her (after moving in), she was shocked. Why? Because I wanted to make the important decisions about what home to purchase, what neighborhood I wanted to live in, etc., and I knew that at some point if I told her, she would find a way to influence my decision-making. I purchased a new house and over a period of six to seven months I didn’t tell her. This situation is causing me a great deal of emotional distress. She listens and then directly defies my request and insists on giving her advice no matter what. A number of times I have started a conversation by saying, “I just want to tell you about this. In the past her advice was helpful, but in recent years, it has become more intrusive. She has taken on the role of giving me lots of personal advice. I have shared many extremely sensitive and delicate problems with her. Updated: FebruPublished: February 22, 2023ĭear Amy: I have been friends with “Susan” for over 35 years.
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